Wednesday, March 23, 2011

In a Nutshell

Wanting to simultaneously cry, bang your head against the wall and have a panic attack: motherhood in a nutshell.

Oh, and love, pride and joy, too.

And I'm not just talking about when your toddler eats rocks despite your adamant protest, climbs on the tables repeatedly and refuses to leave the mall peacefully.    We're, quite thankfully (no really, thank you Jesus) over the toddler stage, but even though Caroline can tie her own shoes, brush her own teeth and doesn't eat rocks anymore ( I think), in instances such as these feverish times, I still feel like crying and banging my head against the wall.

I always feel on the verge of a panic attack, so that's nothing new.

In case you haven't guessed, Caroline is still sick with the same cycle of cool in the morning/ hot in afternoon/evening feverishness.  Two trips to the doctor have yielded the same diagnosis:  'it's a virus.'

I really hate those words.

I've witnessed and cared for Caroline through every illness she's ever had.  I know that she doesn't typically get 'just a virus.'  Lengthy fevers, usually without other symptoms, always end up being some sort of crazy infection.  Unfortunately, mother's intuition doesn't come with an MD, so my input is useless.

I'm taking her back to the doctor tomorrow and fully intend on being a pest.  I don't like to be a pest; in fact, I generally dislike when others are pests, but I've reached my near breaking point.

Missing school hasn't phased Caroline one bit; her teachers aren't concerned about it either.  She's a capable student and can easily catch up. However, I can't help but feel horrible every morning when I send an email to the attendance secretary informing her that Caroline won't be in school again.  And no, not because that means I can't go to the gym. 

It's not my fault she's sick.    I haven't done anything to make her sick and I clearly can't do anything to make her well, but I still feel like a big fat failure.  That part will never make sense; I think it's a mom thing.  Or perhaps, it's just a Crazy Alison thing?

I don't know.

Stupid mom guilt.

To further add to the guilt, I have a race on Saturday.  A race I'm so excited to run; a race I paid $85 to run. I find myself thinking  'please get well Caroline so I can run.'  It's selfish and very unmother-like.  Or, at least what I presume would be unmother-like

But it's true.

Stupid mom guilt.

But really, what more would you expect from me? 

Selfish, guilt ridden and panicky:  Alison in a nutshell. ;)


Hilary said...

So Sorry! I hope she feels better soon. There is a crazy virus going around and the students i teach are dropping like flies. Hope it passes SOON!

Alison said...

Thanks, Hilary.
Please keep yourself and Miss Piper illness free. Sick and pregnant isn't a good combo.

I guess it's good Caroline is sick now...before they start their SOLs next month. Third grade starts the SOL freak outs. I feel sorry for the teachers because they totally stress out about it.

Marcey said...

I'll can check on the sicky Saturday and be on emergency call so you can run the race! Seriously, the side effects from you not running could be worse for the patient!

Alison said...

Thanks Marcey! Sarah Wade is supposed to spend the night on Friday because I have to leave really early Saturday morning. Cindy said she's okay with Sarah staying even if Caroline is still sick, but I'm really hoping she'll be better by then.

I mean, really? Hasn't this gone on long enough? Especially for a normally healthy kid. We'll see what happens.