Saturday thoughts: the frustrated version.
Yep, that's me. Frustrated.
Frustrated because I cannot for the life me string together enough coherent sentences on any given topic and call it a blog post. I have started and deleted several posts lately because I'm having a heck of a time trying to weed through my brain fuzzies and write something articulate.
I'm experiencing a HUGE bout of mom guilt today. The only-by-choice guilt is amped up and in over drive this afternoon. When the playmates aren't plentiful or the playtime seems contentious between Caroline and her friends, I feel bad. Caroline and her pal have been bored and gripey all day. It eats me up. It makes me feel bad. It totally alters my mood. I invest a lot of thought and emotional energy into making sure Caroline has plentiful friendships and playtime. Her personality demands it and when things aren't going as smoothly as one would hope, I feel an enormous load of guilt. If only I had provided her with a sibling. She wouldn't be lonely, then. The feeling that you've shortchanged your kid, because of your own selfishness, can be overwhelming at times. Of course, I know full well that siblings don't automatically get along and a brother or sister isn't a guarantee that your kids will best buds.
The girl that Caroline plays best with and most often with has been a little out of character today. Come to think of if, Caroline was a little gripey herself, today. I hope it's just a fluke, because spring break has just begun. It'll be a long (and painful) week, otherwise.
I feel completely ridiculous for getting so wrapped up in Caroline's friendships; typically, I'm not the hovering type. I just want her to be happy and to cultivate friendships with nice, kind girls. The thing is, there aren't that many nice, kind girls out there. Not many over the age of 8, it seems. Girls get snotty and moody. It's bound to happen to Caroline, I know, but for now she's still pretty innocent on that front. Her friends seem to have entered that phase of life a little earlier. It's not ALWAYS the case, but it seems that way today.
I'm sure tomorrow will be better. I hope so, anyway. I may not survive spring break if it isn't.
I'm a bundle of nervousness today. Jittery and unfocused. Fuzzy and discombobulated.
It's probably a combo of not enough sleep and too much caffeine.
Unfortunately copious amounts of caffeine are required when you're sleep deprived. I woke up at 2:30 am and couldn't fall back to sleep. I ended up watching back-to-back episodes of Property Virgins on HGTV. At 4 am, when the HGTV graphic said "good night" I took that as a sign to try sleep again. Sleep finally came and then I had a dream about missing an international flight because I kept trying to clean up the house before we left. The more I cleaned, the messier the house became.
Unfortunately, we had an 8 am meeting with the "Croc Trotters" running group, so sleeping in, while most desirous, wasn't an option. It was cold this morning and Caroline had a minor breakdown over her chin being cold, but she carried on like a good little soldier. That girl has some legs on her and ran with ease, once her chin warmed up, that is.
The day is winding down and I couldn't be happier. To say that today has been a blah day would be an understatement. Even the handful of jelly beans and four squares of extra dark chocolate I ate had little affect on my mood. I have great hope that tomorrow will be more pleasant on all fronts.
As for now, Caroline has found her way to another friend's house and I'm sitting on my bedroom floor, watching a rerun of Everybody Loves Raymond, waiting for my butternut squash to finish roasting.
I hope your Saturday has been less fuzzy and more enjoyable than mine.